Returning the Cart: Considering etiquette

To be good people in society, do we always have to follow the (often unspoken) rules of etiquette?

A viral TikTok video posted earlier this summer has sparked a debate on one specific point of decorum: Are we always and forever obligated to return the grocery cart to its corral after loading up our cars? 

The average grocery shopper might say yes. But here’s the zinger of the TikTok: Even when there are small children in the car?

California forensic psychologist Leslie Dobson, a regular on social media, posted a video recording of herself on May 29 daring viewers to “judge me all you want.” Her point: “I’m not getting my groceries into my car, getting my children into the car, and then leaving them in the car to go return the cart. So if you’re gonna give me a dirty look, f--- off.”

And then the storm hit, with over 12 million views. Followed by countless news reports and posts. On TikTok alone, the 17-second video elicited almost 54,000 comments. 

People who don’t return their shopping cart are benefiting from everybody else doing the nice thing, which is returning their cart…

Small things like this is what shows character in a person. I am not a parent but even if it’s raining or snowing, I return my cart.

It was never about the shopping cart. It’s about the principle. It’s about answering the question: Am I willing to take some time out of my day to do something nice for nothing in return?

Katie Kirbo, a part-time teacher and mom of two toddlers, gets the debate. “I was just at the store with my mom and [my sister] Emily’s baby, and we had this exact conversation, even though I hadn’t seen the video,” she says. “I looked around and found the cart return was all the way across the lot. Luckily, there were two of us. Mom put Annie in the car seat while I returned the cart. If I had been alone, I wouldn’t have been able to return it.

“Ideally,” Katie says, “I put my cart away. But I’m not turning my car on and locking it because it’s 400 degrees outside. Someone could jump in. The safety of my kids comes first.” 

Katie says many of her friends have removed themselves from the dilemma. “They’re just doing curbside pickup. And a lot of dads are doing the grocery store.”

Sandy Sales, Katie’s mom and a grandmother of three children under 4 years old says, “I have at least one of those babies with me a lot. I load groceries in the back tailgate of my SUV, re-lock my car, then drive the cart with the baby in it to put the cart away. 

“If there is not a close-by cart return, I have on a few occasions walked the cart to the closest place where I knew it wouldn’t hit or block another car or be blown into one after I left. But that might be one time out of 10.”

What about all the other little rules of etiquette we mindlessly follow – or don’t? Does it speak to your character when you step into an elevator before allowing the people inside to exit first? How about when you don’t respond to an invitation? “It’s not about kids being left in cars, but to the host or hostess it’s important,” says a frequent hostess. “And there’s no kids-in-the-car reason to skip.”

Taking that one step farther, a 20-something woman on the wedding circuit said several friends called the bride before a recent wedding and asked to bring a plus-one. “If you don’t want to go without a date, just don’t go. It’s not about you, it’s about space and money and also just who the bride and groom want at their wedding.”

How about thank-you notes? My daughter recently received a gift along with a thank-you postcard, pre-written and addressed to the gift-giver, by the gift-giver. We were charmed by the clever idea that part of the gift was a note that didn’t need writing. Even so, my daughter still wrote a note. 

From grocery carts to thank-you notes, rules of etiquette are mostly about showing respect for others, and that is character-revealing. It’s just stickier when you’re forced to choose between social niceties and safety.

With respect in mind, there’s room for grace. “Every once in a while,” Katie says, “there’s a nice person who comes over and says, Hey, can I take your cart for you?” Maybe that’s the truest form of etiquette.