Small Joys: Finding the happy

Last month, a weekly edit of The New York Times’ “Well” newsletter popped up in my morning inbox, and I have been thinking about it ever since.

Jancee Dunn, who writes the newsletter, sent an email entitled “Happiness doesn’t have to be a heavy lift.” Always a sucker for a wellness hack, I read on.

“I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed lately, both by the news and by a bit of life stuff,” Jancee wrote. “I wish I could retreat to a mountaintop, but my more realistic plan is to seek out the smallest possible things I can do each day to give myself a lift.” She went on to interview experts on “how to incorporate more low-lift, bare-minimum pleasures into…life.”

Since I read it mid-summer, the email has sort of lived in the back of my head. While I always count my blessings and focus on the big things I am grateful for – family, health, friends, work I love – I am less good about zeroing in on those little things Jancee was talking about. She wrote: “A friend of mine told me recently that he was not going to use the self-checkout kiosks at the grocery store anymore. He realized that he liked talking to a checkout person, he said, and was trying to build back more human interaction into his life.” It all makes me wonder: What is my self-checkout boycott? 

I started asking around, thinking maybe if some wise friends had identified their own tiny happiness boosts throughout the day, I could find inspiration to pinpoint my own.

Wendy Gold, a mom of three grown children, seems to have the “finding glimmers of joy” mindset locked down. “Noticing small things is one of the simplest and most powerful ways to create joy,” she says. “Joy hides in ordinary moments, if we slow down enough to see them. For me, something as simple as swirling milk into iced coffee feels like magic. I pause every time and watch the colors mix and shift.”

Another mother of a recent law school graduate says, “Gratitude is happiness. Whenever I feel down, I look around and cherish a cup of coffee, the sunlight on my face, my fingers in the dirt playing with my plants, loving on my cat and dog, calling my daughter and hearing her voice, kissing my husband as he leaves to play golf. Just being alive at 65 is happiness!”

A friend who is famous for her chocolate chip cookies and also for her dedication to and love for her favorite food group, is more predictable – and definitive. “The answer is always chocolate,” she says. “Ice cream outings after school, chocolate chip cookies in the lunch bag and/or after school, chocolate croissants on Sunday mornings, hot cocoa on stormy cold days. The list goes on and on!” This same friend has been known to find joy in a little piece of dark chocolate at the end of the day.

When I asked my dad about identifying small joys, he turned the question around. Instead of telling me what made him happy, he told me how he tried throughout his day to make other people happy, mostly just by noticing them. “I have started asking people with accents where they are from and thanking them for coming here. That puts a smile on their face and mine too!”

And then he adds, “I always try to just thank people for doing what they are supposed to be doing,” he said. “Having someone seat us for dinner, going through the check-out at the grocery store. But I think everyone does that.” Actually, Dad, I think that might be a special trait of yours (and my mom’s). As I get older, I am noticing more and more how my parents have friends everywhere they go, from all age groups and all backgrounds. At most of the stores and restaurants I walk into with my mom, someone on the staff will greet her and say Hi Phyllis!

How could that not be a moment of joy – for the staff person, for my mom, and, really, for anyone close enough to hear the conversation?

Back to Wendy, who shares another tip for finding the happy: “At night, I think of three good things that happened that day,” she says. “They don’t have to be big. Maybe I found my keys without searching, or I had a great conversation, or I laughed unexpectedly. Over time, I have trained my brain to notice the good more easily. The more you look for these little gems, the more they appear.”