Zen Moms

Kristen Berger is as calm as possible while mothering (from left) Grant, Alex, Paige and Jack. (Photo: bookwalterphotography.com)

Not long ago I was having a two-simultaneous-carpools, homework, tennis, track-meet, work, what’s-for-dinner, noise-filled afternoon. So during one or another carpool line, I turned to the all-knowing Internet. And Googled, on my phone, hoping for magic, “Zen moms.”

What popped up, in about the first 13 Google spots, was a paradox: a website that spewed “how to be Zen” headlines, with pictures flashing so fast I couldn’t read them. And Twitter quotes spouting calm. And ... you get the picture.

“Isn’t the term ‘Zen mom’ an oxymoron?” a friend asked over the phone while we both threw dinner in our respective ovens. Another texted, “I’m all crazy, no Zen.” And another actually told me she wanted to beat me for using those two words in the same sentence. She added: “My Zen is sitting at a bar waiting to be served a chocolate soufflé, something that reboots me so I can go back and do it all over again tomorrow. Or in 10 minutes. Oh just shoot me now.”

This Type A wasn’t letting go of Zen so easily.

I thought of my friend Kristen Berger. She’s got four kids between the ages of 5 and 10, she just chaired major fundraisers for the Children’s Museum and  Bayou Bend, and her Christmas card always reads, “Cheers to living in the moment!” Hmm. I asked her secret.

“I try not to sweat it,” Kristen told me. “My Christmas card is true – we all have weak moments, but I truly try to live in the moment, whatever it is.

“I’m laughing, though, because I still have half those cards I never got out. I’ve got to be okay with that. If not, you just beat yourself up and go crazy about everything.”

I didn’t tell Kristen she sent me two Christmas cards this year.

“I’m perfectly imperfect,” Kristen says. “And I pray a lot!” Kristen chooses to simplify by walking her three oldest children to school at West U Elementary, and she says reading a devotional helps her tune out the noise, focus on what’s important, and re-center. “Some days I’m in a constant state of prayer.”

Kristen shared all this very calmly while her four perfectly imperfect children were downstairs “tearing up the house.”

Dee Boukouzis says yoga helps her stay grounded as a mom to (from left, in back) Tess and Katerina (Kat) and (in front) Nikki. (Photo: bookwalterphotography.com)

Dee Boukouzis, a yoga instructor and mom of three girls ages 8, 11 and 12, says if you ask her girls, she’s not very Zen. But talking to Dee, you might think otherwise.

“You have to work at it, but you have a choice in how you react to things,” Dee says. “You can stop, notice you’re feeling angry, press the pause button, and breathe.” She adds that it’s taken her about 10 years of work to learn how to stay calm.

“I surround myself with people who are Zen. My husband is an investment banker – there’s a lot of stress there. But he reminds me, ‘You only have so much energy. You have to decide how you’re going to channel it.’”

Bridget Butler Wade (left) and Heidi Butler Prince look up to their mother, Penny Hess Butler (center), as a role-model mom who radiates calm, trust and fun. (Photo: www.lawellphoto.com)

Penny Hess Butler, a veteran, having raised six grown children “with 10 years between them, top to bottom,” says it’s all about perspective and humor. “It was a fun deal to have those kiddos and run them around,” she says. “John and I put three things at the top of our list that were big no-nos: drugs and alcohol; pregnancy before marriage; and jail. Everything else dropped way off from there. They’re going to go through funny periods where they want to wear their hair in weird ways. That’s not worth getting in a twit about.

“It was delightful. They were good kiddos. They knew their parents cared about them and what they did.”

Penny adds that she always had lots going on outside of being a mom. “One of my greatest pleasures is being involved in politics and the community.”

An art-teacher mom of three teenaged boys thinks that’s key. “Do something every day unrelated to the kids,” she says. “Because let’s face it, the kids are not going to look at us and say, ‘Mommy, you look like we’ve worn you out. You should go to a spa.’ No, the kids are going to jump in the car and say, ‘Mommy, I need to go to Target right now!’”

And we’ll pause, take a deep breath and remember that this is a moment – not a Zen one, but maybe the closest we’ll get today. Then we’ll just drive. There’s a Starbucks at Target. And as Penny reminds us, “It goes by so fast.”

Happy Mother’s Day.