Laughter is Contagious: Just Roll with it
The novel coronavirus (COVID-19) is no laughing matter, but hopefully during all the nuttiness you’ve also been blessed to smile a few smiles. The following true confessions of a frugal husband, a potty-mouthed hostess and some freezer-burn gourmet chefs may leave you unable to quarantine yourself from some giggles.
Note: Names are not included to protect the innocent!
Grocery Store Shenanigans
Shortly after the rodeo was cancelled and staying-at-home preparations began ramping up, A.’s husband, M., came home from work and mentioned that he had stopped by the HEB in Bellaire. “The store was packed. The checkout line was halfway down the frozen food aisle. I waited for over 20 minutes,” he shared.
When A. asked M. what he had bought, he answered, “Beer.” She was dumbfounded. “That’s it? You waited that long to buy just a 12-pack of beer and didn’t buy anything else? Soap? Meat? Toilet paper?”
“No,” he answered matter-of-factly. “Just a 12-pack of beer.”
“Why in the world didn’t you just go to a convenience store?” she asked. Her husband looked at her like she was crazy. “Do you know how expensive beer is at those places?”
Now take a guess as to which coveted beer M. purchased…. Natural Light, the beer of college students everywhere. As M. likes to say: “It gets the job done.”
(Side note: A. checked beer prices – M. had saved a whopping two dollars.)
Legendary for her generous and gracious hospitality, C. has always been a wonderful hostess. Months ago, she had agreed to chaperone her teenage son, and some of his friends at their lake house during Spring Break.
The night before the trip, C. asked the boys to bring their own pillows so they would be more comfortable. She paused. She was about to make an unbelievable request. Something she could never have imagined saying out loud. Slowly she opened her perfectly pink lipsticked mouth and softly spoke these words: “I need everyone to bring their own roll of toilet paper.” Yes, these are desperate times, indeed.
The boys did as they were told and C. was happy to report that all heads were comfortable upon personal pillows and there were plenty of TP to spare.
"Anyone else feel like they’re living the 2020 version of Little House on the Prairie?” M. dished: “Last night I cooked a chicken and sausage gumbo with freezer-burned bag of okra that had likely been in the freezer for more than three years. Thankfully, it still cooked up just fine. It was satisfying to know that poor okra finally had its day in the limelight.”
M.’s friends added food confessions of their own. One shared: “I was cleaning out my freezer the other day to make room for the meat I bought. I also found an old bag of okra and was like ‘Ehhhhh...it surely won’t kill us’ and threw it back in!”
Another shared: “Yes, it’s official. I’ve been going to the ‘repository where food goes to die’ aka the garage freezer.”
“Every day is like being on an episode of Chopped,” one quipped. “‘You have corn, lavender syrup, and taco shells. What can you make? and GO!’”
“My food supply is more like a really BAD episode of Chopped!” another laughed.
Lonely Items on Empty Shelves
Now for a public service announcement: We are thrilled that underappreciated grocery items like cheap beer, all toilet paper (even 1-ply) and long-forgotten bags of okra are finally receiving the respect and appreciation they so deserve.
However, there’s one forgotten grocery item that’s still patiently waiting for a forever home. Just this week, the shelves were sparse on the canned vegetable aisle, but one group of cans remained . . . the Rodney "I don't get no respect" Dangerfield of vegetables . . . lima beans. What have lima beans ever done to you? Please don’t hold it against the sweet and innocent green legumes that your parents forced you to eat them when you were little. Have a heart. Please buy a can of lima beans. You’ll be glad you did.
And through all this stress, keep looking for your own funny moments. Just remember, things could be worse - you could be a lima bean.
Want more buzz like this? Sign up for our Morning Buzz emails.
To leave a comment, please log in or create an account with The Buzz Magazines, Disqus, Facebook, Twitter or Google+. Or you may post as a guest.