Finding Hope

On the two-month anniversary of her son’s suicide, a day she thought she couldn’t bear, Melinda O’Connell’s home filled with dozens of teens. They were friends of her son, Bellaire High School senior Brendan O’Connell. That night, they transformed their dark thoughts into something worthy. They gave Brendan’s mom an impromptu concert of guitar, banjo and singing – a gift that gives her a reason to keep hoping.

Melinda O'Connell opens her son's room to teens as a safe place to hang out. She holds a picture of herself with her sons, Brendan (at left) and Patrick. Brendan died in November. (Photo: www.hartphoto.com)     

Her son, at 17, took his life with a shotgun Nov. 27. Now she opens her home to friends of Brendan who need a healing place. “I’ve had four of Brendan’s friends tell me that they have attempted suicide and that they have a hard time coping,” said Melinda. His friends’ names and wishes cover the walls of his bedroom. They come to visit and paint, with one absolute rule, no drugs or alcohol.

“Our teens lack coping skills,” says Melinda. “They can’t deal with the now, they don’t see the future, and then something goes wrong and it spins them off into a dark place. They don’t know how to work themselves out of the depression because they don’t know how to cope and reach out for help. Many turn to drugs and alcohol.”

So did Brendan. His mother describes him as a happy boy, athletic and a leader. His friends describe him as someone who would listen and help. But he also experienced loneliness and depression. While his school counselors and teachers liked him, his mom says, he struggled with schoolwork and other issues.

Bellaire family therapist Megan Pollock says the launch into adulthood is “hugely scary and immensely important.” The pressure-filled time can lead to drugs and alcohol. The suicide-awareness site save.org says 90 percent of those who kill themselves have a mental illness or substance-abuse problem.

Many teens will tell you they have struggled through some sort of depression. Hannah Gaspar, a friend of Brendan’s, is a senior at Challenge Early College High School. She describes her “blue” weeks as sleeping a lot, having low energy, overeating and not being healthy mentally and physically. She is learning how to reach out to friends, family and counselors during those spells.

“The teen years are hard. You feel better, but then you start to come down and feel worse,” said Hannah. “It would help if parents could try and understand us and not treat us like we’re aliens.”

Pollock describes the up and down moods of teenagers as normal. “There’s a lot of actual physiological changes going on in the brain at this age with chemical levels and hormones.... Neurotransmitters are being affected, which is a huge part of depression and mood control,” she said.

The family counselor and mother says there is a difference between normal mood swings and clinical depression, which may require medication and last seven to nine months. Keen awareness is critical. When you see a teen’s ability to cope decrease, she said, get concerned.  “They tend to be more overwhelmed, seeing things more serious than they are.”

A person thinking about suicide may show a loss of interest, have trouble sleeping and eating, or may take risks such as speeding or running red lights. They might make comments about being hopeless, helpless or worthless. They might appear to be getting better by putting their affairs in order. And they might even visit or call people to say goodbye.

Pollock advises parents to show active interest in what their teen likes and whom they like. Being there as a parent rather than a friend is critical. “You’re probably doing a really good job if your kid doesn’t always like you. But they need to be connected enough to feel trust,” said Pollock. “You want kids to have ups and downs because you want them to see that things do get better. That’s reality, that’s life, and that’s how they learn coping skills.”

It’s been only months since Melinda and her family lost Brendan. She, her older son Patrick and Brendan’s friend, Jack, have started a nonprofit foundation called the Hope Suicide Awareness Foundation for Teens and Young Adults. She hopes it can teach teens coping skills and other life lessons. She wants them to understand more than anything that the problems of today are temporary and don’t require a permanent solution.

Editor’s note: Thank you to Melinda O’Connell for being brave enough to share her son’s story in an effort to prevent future tragedies.

To learn more:

helpguide.org
mayoclinic.org
itgetsbetter.org
nasponline.org
suicidology.org
yellowribbon.org
nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml
nmha.org
mentalhealthscreening.org/highschool
save.org
mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/suicideprevention
aacap.org

Saying goodbye to Brendan

By Will Foreman

Editor’s note: Lamar High School senior Will Foreman is a baseball player and performing rapper who made a video to honor his friend, Brendan O’Connell. The video can be seen on YouTube under the title Will Foreman - Brendo. Brendan died in November, and Will wants to keep his memory alive.

One night Brendan messaged me on Facebook to open for a concert he was hosting. A little pay and experience sounded great, so I said I would do it. The concert was held at a rundown club in the middle of nowhere. The word was that a lot of people were supposed to be there. However, it turned out to be a complete bust. It ended up being just Brendan and a couple of his friends. I always saw Brendan and his friends at parties. I knew most of his friends, but I didn’t really know Brendan. Brendan was a senior attending Bellaire, while I was a senior attending Lamar.  Brendan was the kid it seemed like everyone knew. I would be at a party, and I’d see my close friends go talk to Brendan as if they knew him as well as they knew me, which they didn’t. That was how Brendan was, though. If you just hung out with him for one night, it would seem like y’all were brothers for a lifetime. At the concert, I finally got to know him. He was a true Houston Texan, which is a lot different than being just a Texan. While talking with him I got the crazy idea of shooting a music video. We were shooting the video about five minutes later thanks to him. That’s what kind of guy he was. Brendan had just lost a couple hundred dollars, but if you saw him you would think we were doing a music video with Slim Thug. I never ended up using that footage we got that night, but looking back on it and seeing Brendan you could see he had true passion for music. I guess that’s why I made the video as a tribute to him. I guess I felt like since he helped make a video for me, I’d make one for him. He deserved it and so much more.