A Good Hug

In my efforts to change the world, I’m switching my focus this year to little things that I can change about myself that may have some kind of ripple effect. Instead of dividing people by their politics or religion, I’m thinking about the huggers and the non-huggers. I’m pretty sure I could hug more.

I’ve noticed that when a huggy person enters a room, say at a social gathering, I pick up a glass of wine or a plate of food and hold it with both hands. I don’t do it consciously, but now that I think about it, I did it recently. People probably sense this in me and keep their distance.

Who knows how many hugs I have missed just from the vibes I send. Who knows how much it might improve my health to go in for the hug. Who knows how much my hugs might help another person's health. 

Dr. Lance Westendarp, Stan’s nephew, with the Center for Embodied Health and Movement in Houston, says hugging produces the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which can counter the effect of the stress hormone cortisol. “It’s not that cortisol is a bad hormone; it’s great when you need to literally run away from a bear. But we tend to overly rely on our stress response. Basically, we are running from bears every day while sitting still.” According to Dr. Westendarp, this can cause a state of chronic stress, which leads to chronic illness like high blood pressure, diabetes, and digestive diseases. 

Despite my own hugging deficiency, I managed to give birth to a huggy daughter, Julia, the mother of two very huggy boys, Eli and Faires, born 22 months apart. Was I a huggy mother? I asked Julia. No, she replied. You know that about yourself, she added. Ouch. 

Julia said she got her huggy habit from her high school friend Claudia who would routinely hug her and tell her she loved her daily, as she did with all her friends. No wonder everyone likes Claudia. 

Westendarp says the most productive hugs involve contact with the sternum, next to the heart. It is why babies are put on their mother, chest to chest, as soon as they are born. It helps regulate the baby's breathing. Even putting your own hand over your sternum (heart) can produce an oxytocin response. In other words, yes, even hugging yourself can produce oxytocin to counteract the overproduction of cortisol.

“Would you believe, the body can actually tell the difference between a real hug and an insincere hug and regulate its oxytocin response accordingly?” contends Westendarp.

Each morning before school, 4-year-old Faires (in pre-k) and 6-year-old Eli (in kindergarten) hug spontaneously on the school sidewalk before heading to their respective classes. If Eli leaves without hugging Faires, Faires cries until he comes back, said Julia. 

At the beginning of the year, every time they saw each other in the cafeteria, they broke away from their group and met in a hug. Cute as it was, they had to learn to stay with their class and just make funny faces at each other. 

People who hug easily seem to also pop out “I love yous” with ease. Neither of those things come naturally to me. I was talking about this with Stan’s college buddy, Scott, who was in Houston recently from Minneapolis soaking up some winter warmth while basking in old UT friendships. 

“When one of those guys says I love you I cringe,” Scott admits. He cringes because it’s hard to say it back. “Someone told me to just put the word man in there, like I love you too, man.” 

I get it. I love Stan’s three sisters, all huggers, who all tell me they love me. I hate to admit that it’s hard for me to say it back. I love my daughters too, but I don’t think I have said it much to them, either. I love you girls, down to my toes! There. It’s easier to put it in writing. 

Scott says he thinks it’s a generational thing, that Boomer parents didn’t express affection with their children. Maybe. I do remember that we weren’t always told how wonderful we were or how good we were at something. Somehow the message I received was to be self-sufficient and to not bother people. 

I also know that despite not being in a family of huggers, I still felt loved. I guess I thought that saying it was kind of like stating the obvious, like the sky is blue. But Dr. Westendarp believes other things to be true. “I believe that chronic stress is one of the most significant contributors to chronic illness across the board. There is a lot of value to connecting with other people and doing it genuinely.” 

This year, I’m going in more for the hug.